Rough Time

There were moments this week where I thought if I shouted as loudly as I could, the anxiety within me would be forcefully expelled. 

Unfortunately  it has given way for depression to come seeping in through the cracks.

Positive affirmations, meditation, reading and listening to various self-help materials have eased it microscopically it seems. However I will continue to try every day to heal and not feed the monster…

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After work we drove out to the beach (we have finally seen sunshine after weeks of rain) to let the pups run and get ourselves some fresh air. 

As I walked, I noticed a rock in the sand. 

I meant to walk by but something caused me to stop and pick it up.

It was perfectly egg-shaped and smooth.

I couldn’t help but wonder how long, and how much this little stone had gone through to make it this perfect. I imagine many waves crashing it around for many, many years. 

Time is the answer. 

I reminded myself that I have to be patient with progress, and to allow room for a few steps back and bad days. 

Years of bottled up emotions and issues can’t be fixed in one meditation session, or by listening to one person speak of “living in the now”. 

I have to just keep reminding myself of this. 

Live and let time heal. 

Full moon & madness 

I’ve had a week’s worth of anxiety and now I am left feeling exhausted and raw.

The edges of my mind feel like frayed, thinning fabric, and I’ve had nausea in waves. 

Depression on top of pre-menstrual symptoms on top of the recent sifting through emotions in therapy have created this bitter concoction, not unlike heartburn. 

I feel like I lost this week. I tried, and now I admit defeat.

Tonight though, I’m sitting here with my sweet and precious family and I think I can put the loss aside and rest. 

I can go easy on myself, calm my mind, and try again. 

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Positive affirmations have helped, even if it is slowly. 

A simple thing like saying,”I am grateful for all the good in my life” has caused a shift in my normal, pessimistic thoughts. I am in a better mood, and I appreciate things more. 

How do you help ease your anxiety? Does it ever go away completely? I’d love to hear examples from those that follow my blog. 🙂 

I’m not cool.

Today I read a quote on Instagram that said,”I would rather get punched in the face than have to say a fun fact about myself.”

So, so true.

I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve dreaded and sweated the moment where I am required to tell a room full of strangers something interesting about me. Part of this is my social anxiety, and then also because I see myself as a little uninteresting.

I sit and list off in my head all of the things that I like, and I know it’s probably the most mediocre-sounding fact about a person there could be. Then I attempt to stretch the truth. Case in point: I have been in snow (which I have) so I could like snowboarding (which I’ve never tried) and they don’t have to know that. 

I see myself as so boring that I would straight up lie to fool people I don’t even know. I haven’t, but I’ve been close. 

I always end up mumbling something and sit down, beet red and in need of an escape route. 

Then there are the times where my husband laughs at my jokes and my sister says she wishes she could draw like me reminding me that we all have abilities, talents and hobbies that are different. Mine are not as exciting as sky diving from the edge of the atmosphere (no one wants to watch me read) but they are what makes me unique. 

Uniquely uncool. 

And if by paralyzing…

“What do you think is keeping you from emotionally processing this?”

….I sit stone-faced while my mind races for an answer that sounds smart, or at the very least witty. 

Nothing. 

I stammer my way through an explanation that even I couldn’t believe. 

My therapist watches me and I’m wondering what she is thinking. 

Does she think I need therapy? Am I here too often? Do I talk too much? Do I not say enough???

She speaks and the thoughts stop and fall to the floor. She tells me about “gifting” myself the chance to heal and being kind enough to allow myself the time. 

I leave with the homework of finding what it is that is blocking my opportunity for mitigating some of the pain. I have yet to figure that out. I probably won’t by the time next week rolls around either. 

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Not every session seems productive but later on I feel that I have things in my mind a little more organized and issues in my life feel a little less chaotic than before. 

And so as my husband would say, “I call that a win.” 

Holding my breath

Waiting and counting the hours until my next therapy session so I can finally spill out everything…everything I’ve been carefully keeping a hold of. Everything I don’t want spilling over onto the unsuspecting and innocent people in my life.

That isn’t fair…

The little inconveniences that feel astronomical inside my chest…

The anxiety-inducing moments that make it seem my life is this magnet for stressors….

What’s worse is the situations make me feel crazy. 

I’m questioning my emotions with every little shift. 

“Is it me???”

I am so tired of keeping things balanced and caged in; I’m holding my breath until I can let it all go…

The best thing…

This post is dedicated to this dude right here. 

Some days I don’t even understand how I got a human with a  soul so deep and vast. To be honest, I didn’t think it existed. 

This human is my balance and the calibration for my moral compass.

When I think I’m being nice, he lets me know I could have more compassion. 

He never scoffs at my ideas, or gets irritated if one day I claim vegetarian and the next day I’m eating a burger. 

He challenges me at my core, but still encourages me to stay true to me. And the days I don’t even know who I am, he helps me find my way back. 

I am grateful to the universe in all it’s mysterious complexity where a soul like ours could collide. 

Hope

Today I watched (via news and social media feeds) as millions of people all over the world joined together in the name of love, freedom and equality. 

As I watched, I witnessed this beautiful connection being made as people absorbed the energy of others…as they became more confident in their cause…as they marched to the beat inside of their open hearts. 

It made me see the necessity of needing to surround ourselves with people who bring us up and fill us with joy and confidence. Their hope the air for our wings and their humanity an anchor for our hearts. 

We need to connect with those that add encouragement and ease sore memories and emotions by a gentle presence. 

We cannot let others, in their ignorance and naiveté, dim our lights and make us ashamed of wanting love for all life. 

Seek out familiar souls. It’s not hard to find: kind hearts recognize a similar light in another. 

Namaste 🙏🏻