Rough Time

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There were moments this week where I thought if I shouted as loudly as I could, the anxiety within me would be forcefully expelled. 

Unfortunately  it has given way for depression to come seeping in through the cracks.

Positive affirmations, meditation, reading and listening to various self-help materials have eased it microscopically it seems. However I will continue to try every day to heal and not feed the monster…

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After work we drove out to the beach (we have finally seen sunshine after weeks of rain) to let the pups run and get ourselves some fresh air. 

As I walked, I noticed a rock in the sand. 

I meant to walk by but something caused me to stop and pick it up.

It was perfectly egg-shaped and smooth.

I couldn’t help but wonder how long, and how much this little stone had gone through to make it this perfect. I imagine many waves crashing it around for many, many years. 

Time is the answer. 

I reminded myself that I have to be patient with progress, and to allow room for a few steps back and bad days. 

Years of bottled up emotions and issues can’t be fixed in one meditation session, or by listening to one person speak of “living in the now”. 

I have to just keep reminding myself of this. 

Live and let time heal. 

Full moon & madness 

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I’ve had a week’s worth of anxiety and now I am left feeling exhausted and raw.

The edges of my mind feel like frayed, thinning fabric, and I’ve had nausea in waves. 

Depression on top of pre-menstrual symptoms on top of the recent sifting through emotions in therapy have created this bitter concoction, not unlike heartburn. 

I feel like I lost this week. I tried, and now I admit defeat.

Tonight though, I’m sitting here with my sweet and precious family and I think I can put the loss aside and rest. 

I can go easy on myself, calm my mind, and try again. 

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Positive affirmations have helped, even if it is slowly. 

A simple thing like saying,”I am grateful for all the good in my life” has caused a shift in my normal, pessimistic thoughts. I am in a better mood, and I appreciate things more. 

How do you help ease your anxiety? Does it ever go away completely? I’d love to hear examples from those that follow my blog. 🙂 

I’m not cool.

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Today I read a quote on Instagram that said,”I would rather get punched in the face than have to say a fun fact about myself.”

So, so true.

I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve dreaded and sweated the moment where I am required to tell a room full of strangers something interesting about me. Part of this is my social anxiety, and then also because I see myself as a little uninteresting.

I sit and list off in my head all of the things that I like, and I know it’s probably the most mediocre-sounding fact about a person there could be. Then I attempt to stretch the truth. Case in point: I have been in snow (which I have) so I could like snowboarding (which I’ve never tried) and they don’t have to know that. 

I see myself as so boring that I would straight up lie to fool people I don’t even know. I haven’t, but I’ve been close. 

I always end up mumbling something and sit down, beet red and in need of an escape route. 

Then there are the times where my husband laughs at my jokes and my sister says she wishes she could draw like me reminding me that we all have abilities, talents and hobbies that are different. Mine are not as exciting as sky diving from the edge of the atmosphere (no one wants to watch me read) but they are what makes me unique. 

Uniquely uncool. 

And if by paralyzing…

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“What do you think is keeping you from emotionally processing this?”

….I sit stone-faced while my mind races for an answer that sounds smart, or at the very least witty. 

Nothing. 

I stammer my way through an explanation that even I couldn’t believe. 

My therapist watches me and I’m wondering what she is thinking. 

Does she think I need therapy? Am I here too often? Do I talk too much? Do I not say enough???

She speaks and the thoughts stop and fall to the floor. She tells me about “gifting” myself the chance to heal and being kind enough to allow myself the time. 

I leave with the homework of finding what it is that is blocking my opportunity for mitigating some of the pain. I have yet to figure that out. I probably won’t by the time next week rolls around either. 

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Not every session seems productive but later on I feel that I have things in my mind a little more organized and issues in my life feel a little less chaotic than before. 

And so as my husband would say, “I call that a win.” 

Holding my breath

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Waiting and counting the hours until my next therapy session so I can finally spill out everything…everything I’ve been carefully keeping a hold of. Everything I don’t want spilling over onto the unsuspecting and innocent people in my life.

That isn’t fair…

The little inconveniences that feel astronomical inside my chest…

The anxiety-inducing moments that make it seem my life is this magnet for stressors….

What’s worse is the situations make me feel crazy. 

I’m questioning my emotions with every little shift. 

“Is it me???”

I am so tired of keeping things balanced and caged in; I’m holding my breath until I can let it all go…

The best thing…

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This post is dedicated to this dude right here. 

Some days I don’t even understand how I got a human with a  soul so deep and vast. To be honest, I didn’t think it existed. 

This human is my balance and the calibration for my moral compass.

When I think I’m being nice, he lets me know I could have more compassion. 

He never scoffs at my ideas, or gets irritated if one day I claim vegetarian and the next day I’m eating a burger. 

He challenges me at my core, but still encourages me to stay true to me. And the days I don’t even know who I am, he helps me find my way back. 

I am grateful to the universe in all it’s mysterious complexity where a soul like ours could collide. 

Hope

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Today I watched (via news and social media feeds) as millions of people all over the world joined together in the name of love, freedom and equality. 

As I watched, I witnessed this beautiful connection being made as people absorbed the energy of others…as they became more confident in their cause…as they marched to the beat inside of their open hearts. 

It made me see the necessity of needing to surround ourselves with people who bring us up and fill us with joy and confidence. Their hope the air for our wings and their humanity an anchor for our hearts. 

We need to connect with those that add encouragement and ease sore memories and emotions by a gentle presence. 

We cannot let others, in their ignorance and naiveté, dim our lights and make us ashamed of wanting love for all life. 

Seek out familiar souls. It’s not hard to find: kind hearts recognize a similar light in another. 

Namaste 🙏🏻 

Musings at 4:13 AM

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It’s incredible how much love you can have for animals (for me it is dogs in particular) when their language is expressed mainly in body language that you have had to learn through attention and time. 


Even more incredible is that you know they love you too. As they sleep next to me, and press both their paws into my side (doesn’t always feel pleasant) I feel their contentment and trust. I’m honored that of all the people, they picked me.

Nature has its way of clearing stagnant energy I carry around, emerging clear and reconfigured. What I hold in my heart, so often heavy and sharp, is lightened and dulled…sometimes even made smaller, by the rich colors and earthy smells. 


The people in my life all have either brought something in or have taken something…& if I were to take a bird’s eye view of it, might see it was an equal giving and taking, cyclical much like nature…however I’m too deep in the woods and the taking seems to acquire more attention. 

Being off of my medication has caused this influx of emotion…& the stinging words and actions of others cause such a painful reaction that I have retreated into this shell of protection. Familiar to me from before I started my zombie-like state of existence. However my shell is boring on the outside on purpose…no one likes boring. In fact they leave it alone…and for someone with a mental health illness, sometimes being left alone is as necessary as it is painful. We don’t want to be lonely, but loneliness keeps you from getting hurt from others at a time when you don’t have the energy or strength to process it. 


Getting older is kind of awesome in a way. Things take a different shape, and I hold value in gentleness. Being here at 32 is eye-opening. So far into being an adult that mistakes are less-forgivable, mainly to myself. 

The vincibility of life, and the shortness of it helps to rid myself mentally of things that really have no stake in life at the end. That being said, I still really like shoes. 

These thoughts, now written have made some room so I can let the interrupted sleep take over once more…..

You don’t like me when I’m me. 

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Caring and nice and pleasant and easy-going: what people have said about me.

Do they know I am me + medication? 

My emotions are dull and weakened…nothing offends or hurts. Say what you will…I will probably laugh.

Take away my medicated bubble however, and what am I? 

I get hurt, and you dismiss it as a joke.

I am upset, and you tell me I am being unreasonable. 

You don’t know what to say in response to me because this me, you’re unfamiliar with. You don’t know how to handle me here, and I can bet you’re hoping it’s a moment and like the tides, will shift.

I have been this person to you, now I seem to be another.

Can you like me as I am, or am I too foreign…

Was I more palatable subdued and devoid of extreme? 

I want to be loved…but I fear I can only be truly loved when I am acceptable. Is this risk I’m taking, seeing myself emerge from this shelter, worth it or am I on the verge of ruining every steady relationship? 

I want to know the true me again. 

I want to feel my aches and pains and every color of my emotions. 

But I continue to ask….is it worth it…

“Let go…”

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Therapy can be so incredibly healing. I have seen a therapist for about a month now (this go’round) and I can say that my burden isn’t lighter but I have an easier way of carrying it. I have never been much of a talker but when I step into her office (it feels like the safest place) I just seem to verbally unpack my overpacked luggage I carry around. I don’t know how she does it…

There have been a series of immense difficulties that played out over the course of the last 4 months that have finally come to a close for me…but the initial shock from it all has not worn away. I still get this overwhelming anxiety that it couldn’t possibly be over…that these people just will not leave me alone. It’s been so intense sometimes that I’ve taken to scanning every place I go when I walk in to ensure none of the people even somewhat involved are there. If I do see anyone, I’ll be pleasant but inside is this panicked state that will last all day. 

In therapy, she suggested the old adage “let go and let ‘god'” as something I could think about. To me that means to let the universe absorb the anxiety and fear…and to let that manifest into a stronger me. 

I am rooting for all of us that have found an incredibly tough situation almost unbearable. That to deal with our own mental health on top of daily life stressors is such a feat. We should be impressed with ourselves. 

I am so impressed by the bravery of those that live and love and fight and seek help all the while living with mental health issues. 

You are my heroes and heroines. ❤️
***If you need help, please see my Resources page and reach out! I am also here to lend an ear if you need someone to talk to who can even relate an iota to what you might be experiencing. I won’t say I understand, because we each have our own experiences to process, but I can listen.***