The lights all faded

This past week has been a battle of will and inner strength. I felt at times my strength was as useless as tissue paper…frail and so ready to tear at the slightest bit of pressure. 

The days seemed to prolong itself and I lived in this state of a perpetual rewinding of my fears and playing them back to myself again. 

I managed to push them back far enough to laugh and engage with others, but like oil I’d watch it ooze back and surround me in its suffocating grip.

I haven’t been willing to exercise or been able to keep an appetite, which are the things you WANT to maintain in times of dark depression. Things just seem to slip away from me. 

This weight is so unbelievably heavy…I feel for those that carry things too…because there is no one else who can. 

Today, as I write this, I have Kona asleep on my lap. Listening to her sleepy breathing and watching her side rise and fall in a calming rhythm, I am almost transported to a place of future promise of peace. There is peace for me beyond this past week. 

Maybe not next week, or the next…but soon. 

Listening to Crystals by Of Monsters and Men…