Rough Time

There were moments this week where I thought if I shouted as loudly as I could, the anxiety within me would be forcefully expelled. 

Unfortunately  it has given way for depression to come seeping in through the cracks.

Positive affirmations, meditation, reading and listening to various self-help materials have eased it microscopically it seems. However I will continue to try every day to heal and not feed the monster…

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After work we drove out to the beach (we have finally seen sunshine after weeks of rain) to let the pups run and get ourselves some fresh air. 

As I walked, I noticed a rock in the sand. 

I meant to walk by but something caused me to stop and pick it up.

It was perfectly egg-shaped and smooth.

I couldn’t help but wonder how long, and how much this little stone had gone through to make it this perfect. I imagine many waves crashing it around for many, many years. 

Time is the answer. 

I reminded myself that I have to be patient with progress, and to allow room for a few steps back and bad days. 

Years of bottled up emotions and issues can’t be fixed in one meditation session, or by listening to one person speak of “living in the now”. 

I have to just keep reminding myself of this. 

Live and let time heal. 

Full moon & madness 

I’ve had a week’s worth of anxiety and now I am left feeling exhausted and raw.

The edges of my mind feel like frayed, thinning fabric, and I’ve had nausea in waves. 

Depression on top of pre-menstrual symptoms on top of the recent sifting through emotions in therapy have created this bitter concoction, not unlike heartburn. 

I feel like I lost this week. I tried, and now I admit defeat.

Tonight though, I’m sitting here with my sweet and precious family and I think I can put the loss aside and rest. 

I can go easy on myself, calm my mind, and try again. 

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Positive affirmations have helped, even if it is slowly. 

A simple thing like saying,”I am grateful for all the good in my life” has caused a shift in my normal, pessimistic thoughts. I am in a better mood, and I appreciate things more. 

How do you help ease your anxiety? Does it ever go away completely? I’d love to hear examples from those that follow my blog. 🙂 

I’m not cool.

Today I read a quote on Instagram that said,”I would rather get punched in the face than have to say a fun fact about myself.”

So, so true.

I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve dreaded and sweated the moment where I am required to tell a room full of strangers something interesting about me. Part of this is my social anxiety, and then also because I see myself as a little uninteresting.

I sit and list off in my head all of the things that I like, and I know it’s probably the most mediocre-sounding fact about a person there could be. Then I attempt to stretch the truth. Case in point: I have been in snow (which I have) so I could like snowboarding (which I’ve never tried) and they don’t have to know that. 

I see myself as so boring that I would straight up lie to fool people I don’t even know. I haven’t, but I’ve been close. 

I always end up mumbling something and sit down, beet red and in need of an escape route. 

Then there are the times where my husband laughs at my jokes and my sister says she wishes she could draw like me reminding me that we all have abilities, talents and hobbies that are different. Mine are not as exciting as sky diving from the edge of the atmosphere (no one wants to watch me read) but they are what makes me unique. 

Uniquely uncool. 

And if by paralyzing…

“What do you think is keeping you from emotionally processing this?”

….I sit stone-faced while my mind races for an answer that sounds smart, or at the very least witty. 

Nothing. 

I stammer my way through an explanation that even I couldn’t believe. 

My therapist watches me and I’m wondering what she is thinking. 

Does she think I need therapy? Am I here too often? Do I talk too much? Do I not say enough???

She speaks and the thoughts stop and fall to the floor. She tells me about “gifting” myself the chance to heal and being kind enough to allow myself the time. 

I leave with the homework of finding what it is that is blocking my opportunity for mitigating some of the pain. I have yet to figure that out. I probably won’t by the time next week rolls around either. 

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Not every session seems productive but later on I feel that I have things in my mind a little more organized and issues in my life feel a little less chaotic than before. 

And so as my husband would say, “I call that a win.” 

Holding my breath

Waiting and counting the hours until my next therapy session so I can finally spill out everything…everything I’ve been carefully keeping a hold of. Everything I don’t want spilling over onto the unsuspecting and innocent people in my life.

That isn’t fair…

The little inconveniences that feel astronomical inside my chest…

The anxiety-inducing moments that make it seem my life is this magnet for stressors….

What’s worse is the situations make me feel crazy. 

I’m questioning my emotions with every little shift. 

“Is it me???”

I am so tired of keeping things balanced and caged in; I’m holding my breath until I can let it all go…

The best thing…

This post is dedicated to this dude right here. 

Some days I don’t even understand how I got a human with a  soul so deep and vast. To be honest, I didn’t think it existed. 

This human is my balance and the calibration for my moral compass.

When I think I’m being nice, he lets me know I could have more compassion. 

He never scoffs at my ideas, or gets irritated if one day I claim vegetarian and the next day I’m eating a burger. 

He challenges me at my core, but still encourages me to stay true to me. And the days I don’t even know who I am, he helps me find my way back. 

I am grateful to the universe in all it’s mysterious complexity where a soul like ours could collide. 

Musings at 4:13 AM

It’s incredible how much love you can have for animals (for me it is dogs in particular) when their language is expressed mainly in body language that you have had to learn through attention and time. 


Even more incredible is that you know they love you too. As they sleep next to me, and press both their paws into my side (doesn’t always feel pleasant) I feel their contentment and trust. I’m honored that of all the people, they picked me.

Nature has its way of clearing stagnant energy I carry around, emerging clear and reconfigured. What I hold in my heart, so often heavy and sharp, is lightened and dulled…sometimes even made smaller, by the rich colors and earthy smells. 


The people in my life all have either brought something in or have taken something…& if I were to take a bird’s eye view of it, might see it was an equal giving and taking, cyclical much like nature…however I’m too deep in the woods and the taking seems to acquire more attention. 

Being off of my medication has caused this influx of emotion…& the stinging words and actions of others cause such a painful reaction that I have retreated into this shell of protection. Familiar to me from before I started my zombie-like state of existence. However my shell is boring on the outside on purpose…no one likes boring. In fact they leave it alone…and for someone with a mental health illness, sometimes being left alone is as necessary as it is painful. We don’t want to be lonely, but loneliness keeps you from getting hurt from others at a time when you don’t have the energy or strength to process it. 


Getting older is kind of awesome in a way. Things take a different shape, and I hold value in gentleness. Being here at 32 is eye-opening. So far into being an adult that mistakes are less-forgivable, mainly to myself. 

The vincibility of life, and the shortness of it helps to rid myself mentally of things that really have no stake in life at the end. That being said, I still really like shoes. 

These thoughts, now written have made some room so I can let the interrupted sleep take over once more…..

Forest bathing

Lately I’ve been spending as much time as I can outdoors. I’ve found that after a hike or even a short walk on the beach with Kona, I’m a little lighter and my mind is less crowded. 

My most favorite are the longer hikes through the quiet woods. I feel safe, mainly because of Kona, but also the peace that lives among the trees. I imagine the ancient wisdom that lives in the trees and how with each falling leaf, they pass on their magic to the growing plants below. 


In Japan, doctors actually recommend some patients to visit the woods in what has become Shinrin-yoku or, “forest bathing”. The concept, talked about here, speaks of restorative benefits to body and mind. 

After my time outdoors, I feel myself having shaken free the tough encrusted layers of the days and weeks before, like a snake that shed the skin that feels too small. 

I’m ready to let myself feel all the emotions that will come, and that I’m better prepared to handle them. I know the anxiety and depression will return from it’s waiting place on my horizon…but I know a place to come back to that can help. 


I’ve breathed in, and saved some of the peace I’ve found to carry with me. 

I hope others can find a way here to shed some of their weight…and let the wind through the trees carry it away. 

Tiny Conquests 

Today, I went to the gym. 

Now that may not seem like something to post a blog about, but that’s exactly why I’m doing it.

I haven’t exercised in about 2.5 months. Before that, I was always at the gym or going for a run. I lived for that rush of endorphins after a solid workout. 

Lately though, I’ve been exhausted and my drive to do anything has been at an all-time low. If I didn’t have to be at work, I would have accomplished nothing. 

I dragged myself to the gym after work today and put in a good 45 minutes of sweat-inducing cardio.

I congratulated myself after. I internally gave myself 2 thumbs up. Instead of punishing myself for being so lazy, I’m being kind to my mind and body.

This is what we need more of: cheering ourselves on even when we just get out of bed.

Because sometimes even getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment for those with mental health issues.

Let’s make a commitment to go easy, be more kind and compliment ourselves on those tiny steps we take.

They make all the difference.

Sex, drugs, & the eventual toll

The pressure to perform is everywhere: Look sexy, be sexy, feel sexy. Do it for you; do it for your significant other. 

It’s important for the success of your relationship that you ‘put out’ on the reg. This thinking is set in stone everywhere I look. I can’t deny it either, though…

But what happens when the medication you take wipes out any sex drive you may have had? 

This recently happened to me. Or well, to us, my husband and I. 

My SNRI, along with life stressors, completely deleted any notion of sex from my mind. I didn’t think about it, I didn’t even know how much time went by  since the last time we were intimate. 

I didn’t realize it until my inattention was made known to me. 

Then came the guilt…the feeling that I was letting our relationship take a back seat. My emotional health was so important that I never really thought about his. 

So I stopped taking them. I wanted my sex drive to resurface. I wanted to be sexy. I wanted to feel sexy. 

After a few days, I became so unbelievably agitated at something Kona had done, something trivial that my reaction was unwarranted. 

Instead of snapping at me or getting angry, Nathan asked if I had forgotten to take my medication. He told me nothing was worth me allowing my depression and anxiety to take over my life, not when I have a way to stop it. He held me as I fell apart in front of him. 

That moment changed me, unbeknownst to him. 

I resumed my SNRI but I felt the guilt fall away and I saw my husband as a person that fights with me, a champion for my mental health.

I know it won’t be perfect. I still have days where the last thing I feel is pretty, let alone sexy. All I feel is the blanket and couch surrounding me, numb and lost. 

But together we have grown, and learned and love deeper than ever before. 

It’s tough, but worth it.