There were moments this week where I thought if I shouted as loudly as I could, the anxiety within me would be forcefully expelled.
Unfortunately it has given way for depression to come seeping in through the cracks.
Positive affirmations, meditation, reading and listening to various self-help materials have eased it microscopically it seems. However I will continue to try every day to heal and not feed the monster…
After work we drove out to the beach (we have finally seen sunshine after weeks of rain) to let the pups run and get ourselves some fresh air.
As I walked, I noticed a rock in the sand.
I meant to walk by but something caused me to stop and pick it up.
It was perfectly egg-shaped and smooth.
I couldn’t help but wonder how long, and how much this little stone had gone through to make it this perfect. I imagine many waves crashing it around for many, many years.
Time is the answer.
I reminded myself that I have to be patient with progress, and to allow room for a few steps back and bad days.
Years of bottled up emotions and issues can’t be fixed in one meditation session, or by listening to one person speak of “living in the now”.
I have to just keep reminding myself of this.
Live and let time heal.
“What do you think is keeping you from emotionally processing this?”
….I sit stone-faced while my mind races for an answer that sounds smart, or at the very least witty.
I stammer my way through an explanation that even I couldn’t believe.
My therapist watches me and I’m wondering what she is thinking.
Does she think I need therapy? Am I here too often? Do I talk too much? Do I not say enough???
She speaks and the thoughts stop and fall to the floor. She tells me about “gifting” myself the chance to heal and being kind enough to allow myself the time.
I leave with the homework of finding what it is that is blocking my opportunity for mitigating some of the pain. I have yet to figure that out. I probably won’t by the time next week rolls around either.
Not every session seems productive but later on I feel that I have things in my mind a little more organized and issues in my life feel a little less chaotic than before.
And so as my husband would say, “I call that a win.”
Waiting and counting the hours until my next therapy session so I can finally spill out everything…everything I’ve been carefully keeping a hold of. Everything I don’t want spilling over onto the unsuspecting and innocent people in my life.
That isn’t fair…
The little inconveniences that feel astronomical inside my chest…
The anxiety-inducing moments that make it seem my life is this magnet for stressors….
What’s worse is the situations make me feel crazy.
I’m questioning my emotions with every little shift.
“Is it me???”
I am so tired of keeping things balanced and caged in; I’m holding my breath until I can let it all go…
This post is dedicated to this dude right here.
Some days I don’t even understand how I got a human with a soul so deep and vast. To be honest, I didn’t think it existed.
This human is my balance and the calibration for my moral compass.
When I think I’m being nice, he lets me know I could have more compassion.
He never scoffs at my ideas, or gets irritated if one day I claim vegetarian and the next day I’m eating a burger.
He challenges me at my core, but still encourages me to stay true to me. And the days I don’t even know who I am, he helps me find my way back.
I am grateful to the universe in all it’s mysterious complexity where a soul like ours could collide.
Today I watched (via news and social media feeds) as millions of people all over the world joined together in the name of love, freedom and equality.
As I watched, I witnessed this beautiful connection being made as people absorbed the energy of others…as they became more confident in their cause…as they marched to the beat inside of their open hearts.
It made me see the necessity of needing to surround ourselves with people who bring us up and fill us with joy and confidence. Their hope the air for our wings and their humanity an anchor for our hearts.
We need to connect with those that add encouragement and ease sore memories and emotions by a gentle presence.
We cannot let others, in their ignorance and naiveté, dim our lights and make us ashamed of wanting love for all life.
Seek out familiar souls. It’s not hard to find: kind hearts recognize a similar light in another.
It’s incredible how much love you can have for animals (for me it is dogs in particular) when their language is expressed mainly in body language that you have had to learn through attention and time.
Even more incredible is that you know they love you too. As they sleep next to me, and press both their paws into my side (doesn’t always feel pleasant) I feel their contentment and trust. I’m honored that of all the people, they picked me.
Nature has its way of clearing stagnant energy I carry around, emerging clear and reconfigured. What I hold in my heart, so often heavy and sharp, is lightened and dulled…sometimes even made smaller, by the rich colors and earthy smells.
The people in my life all have either brought something in or have taken something…& if I were to take a bird’s eye view of it, might see it was an equal giving and taking, cyclical much like nature…however I’m too deep in the woods and the taking seems to acquire more attention.
Being off of my medication has caused this influx of emotion…& the stinging words and actions of others cause such a painful reaction that I have retreated into this shell of protection. Familiar to me from before I started my zombie-like state of existence. However my shell is boring on the outside on purpose…no one likes boring. In fact they leave it alone…and for someone with a mental health illness, sometimes being left alone is as necessary as it is painful. We don’t want to be lonely, but loneliness keeps you from getting hurt from others at a time when you don’t have the energy or strength to process it.
Getting older is kind of awesome in a way. Things take a different shape, and I hold value in gentleness. Being here at 32 is eye-opening. So far into being an adult that mistakes are less-forgivable, mainly to myself.
The vincibility of life, and the shortness of it helps to rid myself mentally of things that really have no stake in life at the end. That being said, I still really like shoes.
These thoughts, now written have made some room so I can let the interrupted sleep take over once more…..
Lately I’ve been spending as much time as I can outdoors. I’ve found that after a hike or even a short walk on the beach with Kona, I’m a little lighter and my mind is less crowded.
My most favorite are the longer hikes through the quiet woods. I feel safe, mainly because of Kona, but also the peace that lives among the trees. I imagine the ancient wisdom that lives in the trees and how with each falling leaf, they pass on their magic to the growing plants below.
In Japan, doctors actually recommend some patients to visit the woods in what has become Shinrin-yoku or, “forest bathing”. The concept, talked about here, speaks of restorative benefits to body and mind.
After my time outdoors, I feel myself having shaken free the tough encrusted layers of the days and weeks before, like a snake that shed the skin that feels too small.
I’m ready to let myself feel all the emotions that will come, and that I’m better prepared to handle them. I know the anxiety and depression will return from it’s waiting place on my horizon…but I know a place to come back to that can help.
I’ve breathed in, and saved some of the peace I’ve found to carry with me.
I hope others can find a way here to shed some of their weight…and let the wind through the trees carry it away.