Musings at 4:13 AM

It’s incredible how much love you can have for animals (for me it is dogs in particular) when their language is expressed mainly in body language that you have had to learn through attention and time. 


Even more incredible is that you know they love you too. As they sleep next to me, and press both their paws into my side (doesn’t always feel pleasant) I feel their contentment and trust. I’m honored that of all the people, they picked me.

Nature has its way of clearing stagnant energy I carry around, emerging clear and reconfigured. What I hold in my heart, so often heavy and sharp, is lightened and dulled…sometimes even made smaller, by the rich colors and earthy smells. 


The people in my life all have either brought something in or have taken something…& if I were to take a bird’s eye view of it, might see it was an equal giving and taking, cyclical much like nature…however I’m too deep in the woods and the taking seems to acquire more attention. 

Being off of my medication has caused this influx of emotion…& the stinging words and actions of others cause such a painful reaction that I have retreated into this shell of protection. Familiar to me from before I started my zombie-like state of existence. However my shell is boring on the outside on purpose…no one likes boring. In fact they leave it alone…and for someone with a mental health illness, sometimes being left alone is as necessary as it is painful. We don’t want to be lonely, but loneliness keeps you from getting hurt from others at a time when you don’t have the energy or strength to process it. 


Getting older is kind of awesome in a way. Things take a different shape, and I hold value in gentleness. Being here at 32 is eye-opening. So far into being an adult that mistakes are less-forgivable, mainly to myself. 

The vincibility of life, and the shortness of it helps to rid myself mentally of things that really have no stake in life at the end. That being said, I still really like shoes. 

These thoughts, now written have made some room so I can let the interrupted sleep take over once more…..

“Let go…”

Therapy can be so incredibly healing. I have seen a therapist for about a month now (this go’round) and I can say that my burden isn’t lighter but I have an easier way of carrying it. I have never been much of a talker but when I step into her office (it feels like the safest place) I just seem to verbally unpack my overpacked luggage I carry around. I don’t know how she does it…

There have been a series of immense difficulties that played out over the course of the last 4 months that have finally come to a close for me…but the initial shock from it all has not worn away. I still get this overwhelming anxiety that it couldn’t possibly be over…that these people just will not leave me alone. It’s been so intense sometimes that I’ve taken to scanning every place I go when I walk in to ensure none of the people even somewhat involved are there. If I do see anyone, I’ll be pleasant but inside is this panicked state that will last all day. 

In therapy, she suggested the old adage “let go and let ‘god'” as something I could think about. To me that means to let the universe absorb the anxiety and fear…and to let that manifest into a stronger me. 

I am rooting for all of us that have found an incredibly tough situation almost unbearable. That to deal with our own mental health on top of daily life stressors is such a feat. We should be impressed with ourselves. 

I am so impressed by the bravery of those that live and love and fight and seek help all the while living with mental health issues. 

You are my heroes and heroines. ❤️
***If you need help, please see my Resources page and reach out! I am also here to lend an ear if you need someone to talk to who can even relate an iota to what you might be experiencing. I won’t say I understand, because we each have our own experiences to process, but I can listen.***