“What do you think is keeping you from emotionally processing this?”
….I sit stone-faced while my mind races for an answer that sounds smart, or at the very least witty.
I stammer my way through an explanation that even I couldn’t believe.
My therapist watches me and I’m wondering what she is thinking.
Does she think I need therapy? Am I here too often? Do I talk too much? Do I not say enough???
She speaks and the thoughts stop and fall to the floor. She tells me about “gifting” myself the chance to heal and being kind enough to allow myself the time.
I leave with the homework of finding what it is that is blocking my opportunity for mitigating some of the pain. I have yet to figure that out. I probably won’t by the time next week rolls around either.
Not every session seems productive but later on I feel that I have things in my mind a little more organized and issues in my life feel a little less chaotic than before.
And so as my husband would say, “I call that a win.”
Waiting and counting the hours until my next therapy session so I can finally spill out everything…everything I’ve been carefully keeping a hold of. Everything I don’t want spilling over onto the unsuspecting and innocent people in my life.
That isn’t fair…
The little inconveniences that feel astronomical inside my chest…
The anxiety-inducing moments that make it seem my life is this magnet for stressors….
What’s worse is the situations make me feel crazy.
I’m questioning my emotions with every little shift.
“Is it me???”
I am so tired of keeping things balanced and caged in; I’m holding my breath until I can let it all go…
Therapy can be so incredibly healing. I have seen a therapist for about a month now (this go’round) and I can say that my burden isn’t lighter but I have an easier way of carrying it. I have never been much of a talker but when I step into her office (it feels like the safest place) I just seem to verbally unpack my overpacked luggage I carry around. I don’t know how she does it…
There have been a series of immense difficulties that played out over the course of the last 4 months that have finally come to a close for me…but the initial shock from it all has not worn away. I still get this overwhelming anxiety that it couldn’t possibly be over…that these people just will not leave me alone. It’s been so intense sometimes that I’ve taken to scanning every place I go when I walk in to ensure none of the people even somewhat involved are there. If I do see anyone, I’ll be pleasant but inside is this panicked state that will last all day.
In therapy, she suggested the old adage “let go and let ‘god'” as something I could think about. To me that means to let the universe absorb the anxiety and fear…and to let that manifest into a stronger me.
I am rooting for all of us that have found an incredibly tough situation almost unbearable. That to deal with our own mental health on top of daily life stressors is such a feat. We should be impressed with ourselves.
I am so impressed by the bravery of those that live and love and fight and seek help all the while living with mental health issues.
You are my heroes and heroines. ❤️
***If you need help, please see my Resources page and reach out! I am also here to lend an ear if you need someone to talk to who can even relate an iota to what you might be experiencing. I won’t say I understand, because we each have our own experiences to process, but I can listen.***